Gratitude

(Note: Today’s blog was written by Spiritus community member, Joe Spadoni. I am grateful that Joe was willing to write about his experience and give us a space to reflect on what we’re grateful for and what is most meaningful in our lives).

I Am Cared For

On July 8, 2022, my heart stopped! Or, at least, I had no pulse for about 30-50 seconds. This began a wild odyssey that included a long ambulance ride, five days in the hospital, a lifetime’s worth of tests, feelings of immense gratitude, a return to everyday life with a different outlook, and a struggle to keep that perspective.

Due to space considerations, I’ll keep the story a bit brief.  I was out at dinner with my wife and friends enjoying ourselves after a great day together. In the middle of telling a story, I started to slump over. All I recall is my eyelids closing very slowly and everything going pitch black like blackout curtains getting drawn in a hotel room in slow motion. Things got serious quickly.

Fortunately my sister-in-law, who is a nurse practitioner, was there and jumped into action.  There also happened to be a doctor dining in the restaurant who came over to help.  They did not feel a pulse in me and thankfully started doing chest compressions – even though I was still sort of breathing. (After the fact quite a few medical professionals would tell me that 9 out of 10 people don’t survive what happened to me because people see the breathing and assume that the heart is still pumping…)

About a minute later I was conscious again. I had no idea what happened. There were many people around me and I could sense chaos. I wanted to get up but they wouldn’t let me. I heard that an ambulance was on the way and I thought at the time how unnecessary that seemed. I was more embarrassed than anything laying on the ground in a crowded restaurant. Causing a scene is not my thing!

As the EMT’s were taking me out of the restaurant on a stretcher, something incredible happened. The patrons in the restaurant started clapping and on the way out, several tables were wishing me luck and expressing how happy they were that I was okay. This blew me away. Looking back, it’s difficult to keep the perspective that most people are good and have the best intentions. It was a great reminder of focusing on others and getting outside of one’s own self deprecating thoughts.

I ended up in the emergency department for testing.  Over the next two days I had more than 12 tests done to find a cause for what happened. I passed each test but we were no closer to knowing what happened. While I wanted to go home, I realized that my wife was still very concerned because we did not know what caused my heart to stop. After three days it was decided that I had experienced a sudden cardiac arrest which was electrical in nature. As there was nothing physically abnormal with my arteries or heart, the recommendation was to have a defibrillator installed in my chest to monitor and shock my heart if it were to stop again.

After surgery I was wheeled back to my room. Overwhelmed with gratitude and unable to lay still, I had to stand and move. I got up and paced in my room and then walked the halls for two hours. This was six hours after surgery and four days since my heart event. I was listening to a playlist I created over the years that was serving up song after poignant song. Those songs were on my playlist for a reason! I was feeling amazingly present and appreciative. I was truly outside of myself looking in for what felt like the first time in my life. I had a clarity so immense it’s hard to describe. I heard once that you can’t be grateful and angry at the same time and I was feeling not an ounce of anger or negative emotion. I was coming to the full realization of how incredibly lucky I was.

This had everything to do with others and it was clear that’s all that matters in our short time here. I was especially grateful to everyone I’ve been brought here by, raised by, married to, father to, and friend to. It was revelatory to clearly understand all the time I spend in my head is meaningless and largely doesn’t matter. So I started calling my family and friends, some of which I hadn’t talked to in months or years. Just to tell them how much I appreciated them and the time we spent together. At one point texting this to my wife: “I realize my needs don’t matter. I am taken care of. My problems are when I get stuck in neutral thinking mostly about myself. That’s been most of my life and it just doesn’t matter. It’s all about everything outside of me.”

It’s been several months since my cardiac event and the challenge is to focus outwardly and not get too caught up in the internal conversation. I think this is the challenge for a lot of us. I am attempting to be mindful everyday and exploring ways to “think outside” by helping others. We are measured by how we help others, this is what matters. Writing this has helped remind me and I hope it does that for you.

Joe Spadoni

November 22, 2022