Our Breath

Today’s reflection is written by Brian O’Neill

Tuesday, May 19

Authentic intimacy is a learned behavior for many people, myself included. When I think of the word intimacy many ideas come up, but what is the feeling? What does genuine intimacy feel like? For me, it’s safety. What is it for you? When I can be in the presence of another person and be my authentic self, with all my scars, honesty, and vulnerability and not feel judged nor threatened I am experiencing intimacy. All too often our human understanding of intimacy is marred by growing pains, failed loves, and disappointments. Therefore, we can sometimes develop a warped perspective as to what it means to be safe with others. I know that I had a hard time recognizing who is to be trusted and who I should be vulnerable with. I mention these experiences because many people take their human understanding of intimacy, safety, and trust and project them onto God. I certainly have and continue to work towards the dismantling of my ego’s defense mechanisms that prevent me from an intimate, binding love with the divine heart of creation.

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, my spiritual experiences could easily be described as esoteric, mystical, or profound, and those words would be accurate. However, I suggest to all who read this and other of my posts, if you cannot directly relate to the facts of what I am saying, perhaps you can relate to the feelings? The facts of our stories change but the feelings do not. I’d like to share a story with you about an experience I had during prayer. My understanding of a loving God that seeks a living relationship with me that is more intimate than I could’ve have dreamed is a result of this moment. I was sitting on my garden deck very early in the morning, watching the rising sun color the clouds, tress, and flowers as I began a meditation practice. I was struggling a bit to let go of racing thoughts. When this happens, I try not to judge myself but rather gently return to my breath. After a few moments, I felt what I can best describe as a sinking into space—no walls, boundaries, floor or ceiling. I felt held. I felt held and heard within my heart these very clear words, grant me the honor and privilege of holding my creation—collapse into me. Most of us are familiar with the term, lean in, to describe a deeper participation, however, there is a difference between a lean and a collapse. If I lean in, I still have control, I still can turn around, test the waters a bit. A collapse is something that requires trust and intimacy. I first learned to lean way in before I was ready to collapse and that is perfectly fine and as it needed to be—it’s all a spiritual ladder, one rung at a time.

My awareness was moved to the nest of Sparrows above me in my neighbor’s attic window. I could feel the newness of these baby birds, their fragility, and desire to be fed. I desired to be fed. I felt a leveling between myself and this nest of little brown birds—we were loved as equals by God. No distinction was made as I embraced this cradling. The same voice of love spoke clearly and said, breathe with me. I cannot think of a more intimate act than sharing a breath with the divine. I had to learn that I was worthy of doing so, and that God’s heart was patiently waiting for me to collapse into a nest of grace and softness. As my awareness began to shift back to my physical body, I was told to write what I heard in my heart and share them with others.

I offer you this prayer, given to me deep within my heart where I learned to trust, open, listen, and collapse. I suggest that you read and feel these words very slowly. Allow your shared breath with God to determine the rhythm and cadence and to revisit this prayer as many times as you desire.