I’ve been struggling for many years to write a short memoir about my grandmother, and I struggle mainly because she is an unfinished story.
When I was 8, my parents told me and my six siblings that Grandma had lost her memory and had to be put into a facility that was part of “the State Hospital.” There would be no children allowed for visits. In a flash, grandma’s life effectively ended for me. I didn’t see her again until I saw her in her casket four years later.
So one problem is that my memories are limited. I do remember her wonderful interest in me and every little thing I did. More than anything, I remember feeling enveloped in her love.
The other problem with my story is that reflecting on my grandmother means having to confront the language my grandmother used for black people. As Dad drove my brother and me through the Seventh Ward to bring her back from her “Swillburg” home in the city to our home in West Irondequoit for Sunday dinners in the 1960s, Grandma would comment on the number of black people moving into the neighborhood. Although she never used “the ‘n-word,’” she used a word denoting dark skin tone, a word for which my parents would have washed our mouths out with soap.
Lately, as I reflect more deeply and read more about racism, I consider my grandmother in a larger context. In today’s reading, from Matthew Ch. 7, Jesus asks, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?”
Is it possible that I’ve been stuck seeing the splinter in my grandmother’s eye, while ignoring the wooden beam in my own?
Ibram X. Kendi, renowned author and professor, argues that we first need to open our eyes to see how our society has historically protected and elevated certain groups of people because of their race. And if we are earnest about making a more just society, then there can be no neutral ground on racism. We need to be “anti-racists,” people who take action against racist structures that were built both before and during our lifetimes. We cannot give tacit approval to racism through our silence.
So we need to ask ourselves constantly whether we are actively working to make a difference. This is soul-searching work that is not easy. As a retired teacher and a writer, I have to ask myself: Do I work to recognize racist behaviors and racist structures around me? Do I use my voice in order to make change?
Through early drafts of my story, I tried to gloss over the issue of language and my grandmother. After all, she would make her observation about the black people who were “moving in” during the Great Migration as if one were casually talking about the weather changing. And this was such a small part of her. But Kendi would say that we need to start our journey of anti-racism with clear vision, and the reality is that Grandma was reducing her new neighbors to the color of their skin.
So I cannot change history, but I can take the good things I know about my grandmother and imagine how things could have been. I had a powerful dream about my grandmother years ago; in it, she had lived longer and with her memory intact. We connected for a moment, and I felt her presence. As dreams are, it was fleeting. However, it gave me a chance to play out her life in my mind. I now like to imagine that she does live longer, that we develop an adult relationship, and that we have discussions, some of them about racism. A faith-filled woman who raised my kind and gentle dad, Grandma realizes that her language and attitude toward black people were all wrong. And as I wrestle with the “beam” in my eye, she’s by my side.
14 Comments
Monica Anderson
Whole-hearted endorsement. Now, do I forward this to my racist friends whose racism I have challeged for many years to the point of near separation/avoidance, or do I pray that their closed minds be open to change and maintain our friendship for influencing them over time?
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
I’m not an expert on giving advice, but there’s nothing like a heart-to-heart conversation (vs forwarding a column). Big picture — read Kendi, and let’s share ways to make a better world. It’s time to let the stores and the companies that we support and the people we elect to know we are serious about sharing the power and benefits of this society with all.
Claire Benesch
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I have the same question as Monica. Or maybe I should just confront the beam in my own eye and pray for others. On the other hand, is it not my duty to speak up? Maybe staying silent is just what has kept the status quo!
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
It is our duty to speak up. But at the same time, we may have little control over how long someone else’s journey will take. Meanwhile, there is so much we can do. I’ll dedicate a column to action.
Karen Vargas
Mary, in my experience, the truth is hard to understand if it cannot be articulated. Words carefully chosen, yet informed, come after conscious thought often related to years of recognizing that we are all members of a family with deficits we want to reconcile because we have a love and we know love lives. I, so often recognize deficits, and have a hope to articulate, yet my language is evolving as has your language about your family I’m sure. This promises to be a great work on many fronts especially all effort, to give tribute to the good in her while being truthful of the defects that concern society about systemic racism. Someday I hope to share like you are sharing her story. I imagine that maybe in sharing family experience it enlightens my journey, and also that of my family. Gramma does not have the ability to share in her words. You are giving voice to your experience and her memory. This is the hope and forgiveness that needs to be shared. God builds bridges. Your courage to share inspired me today. Thank you. Karen
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
Thank you for your insights, Karen. Putting a conflicting experience into words is difficult, but, yes, going through the process leads us to our hard truths. Best wishes on your own journey.
Judy Gurley
Mary, your first entry with the picture of your Black Lives Matter sign inspired me so much that I made my own sign. It is a modified version. When I was in the hardware store buying paint for my sign, I met a friend who reminded me that there are two guys living about a mile from me that would probably sabotage my sign. I’ve seen some of the results of their actions, so I decided to do my own version of a sign to acknowledge our brothers and sisters of color. My sign went up on Juneteenth. I would like to send you a picture of the sign. Please tell me where to send it. Thank you for you messages. I’ll be looking forward to each installment.
Judy Gurley
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
Judy, I’d love to see your sign! How appropriate that it went up on Juneteenth! If you want to send a photo, send it to mheveronsmith@gmail.com
Janet Barrett Coyle
Thank you for your posts. After your post about your yard sign, my husband made one and we have posted in our yard on Sweetwater Golf Course in Fl. We are surrounded by maga folks. Since last week, we have encountered several people walking who have inquired about the sign. We are happy that it has generated some very open discussions and positive exchanges. A few couples have said they would make their own signs and post the “ end system racism) message in their own yards.
My husband and I love to talk about our anti- racist community of Spiritus.
Our next door neighbors are a wonderful black family. The father approached my husband and thanked us for the sign of support. We were so blessed to have a discussion of his worries every time his young son ( a university nursing student) leaves the house. There is was – a vivid example of white privilege we are learning about .
We are so grateful to carry the messages of Spiritus in Fl.
Thank you
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
You and your husband are making a difference and sending a clear message that everyone is welcome in your home. You are also prompting others to act. Very inspirational!
Mary Alice
I think for many we/they don’t even realize that there is a beam in the eye!
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
This is the hardest part, isn’t it, Mary Alice? Thanks for your comment.
Sharon Heininger
Thank you for you insightful reflections about your grandmother. I have so many poignant stories from my own grandmother. You see she was a great historian and loved to share her stories with me. She was there in the middle of the 1964 race riots! My mother had to go through police barricades to get her out! She spoke of a stratified world of prejudice of not only people of color, but of one ethnicity over another as new immigrants struggled to make America their home. Germans were prejudice against the Irish then the Irish were prejudice against the Italians….and on it went. Why can’t we enjoy our uniqueness? I wondered that then and still do now. May God bless us all as we strive for meaningful understanding and peace.
Mary Heveron-Smith Author
Thank you for this, Sharon. What a great question: Why can’t we enjoy our uniqueness?
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