Am I Supposed to Forgive That?

Am I Supposed to Forgive That?

March 9

Readings – DN 3:25, 34-43; MT 18:21-35

The Lenten readings spend a lot of time focused on mercy and forgiveness.  They probably anticipated that we would need to keep hearing about it. To that end, I have really appreciated so many people who have been commenting on this blog – offering personal stories of difficulty with forgiving.  This is a reality in our lives that we can’t just spiritualize or pretend doesn’t exist.

Peter might be in the same boat as we are.   In the gospel, he asks Jesus a question and offers what he thinks is a more than generous response.  I mean forgiving someone seven times is clearly over the top!  Jesus, however, offers his famous seventy times seven equation and takes things to a whole other level.

I often have some pretty serious questions for Jesus – especially around forgiveness.  I want to ask (and want answers to) things like:

  • So, you’re saying that I should forgive someone who doesn’t care that they hurt me?
  • Wait, you’re suggesting that I should forgive people who show no remorse?
  • C’mon, they didn’t even mean it when they said they were sorry.
  • They didn’t even take responsibility for what they did, Jesus!  I’m supposed to just let them get away with that?
  • What about my feelings, my needs, my hurt?
  • Who is going to hold them accountable, Jesus?  Who?

In my prayer life, Jesus usually sits quietly and waits for me to finish.  He doesn’t tell me not to feel those things.  He just looks at me with love and compassion.  Sometimes I cry softly.  He holds me.

My experience has been that forgiveness, ultimately, frees us from carrying the wound in the same way, and it is a process that requires soul work.  I have seen people let go of some incredibly painful things that have happened, and I am ever inspired by these people to let go of what I carry*.  To the best of my knowledge, Jesus never qualified what we should forgive.  My suspicion is that he would gently tell us that “Yes, you must try to forgive it all.”  And I think he would deeply understand if we were not ready to do that.

I often find that when we’re talking about something like forgiveness, we can tend to go straight to some of the hardest things to forgive.  I might suggest that we start a lot smaller than that and build our capacities.

Can you forgive someone who hurt you in the past day or two with words or actions that you know they did not mean but that stung you none-the-less?  Can you forgive another for having faults or being limited somehow?  Can you decide to let go of something that you have carried that you made more out of than you need to?  Can you forgive yourself for not being perfect or for making mistakes that have hurt others?

I can never imagine Jesus saying that people should not be held accountable for what they have done or that there are not consequences for actions. I just imagine that he’d say our forgiveness does not necessarily need to be connected to those things. By starting small perhaps you and I can expand our capacities little by little so that, like Jesus, we, too, might be able to offer a “seventy times seven” level of forgiveness someday.

*If you are interested, our Tuesday, March 9 program (from 7-9pm) will feature Alphonsine Imaniraguha Anderson a Rwandan genocide survivor who will speak on her journey with healing and forgiveness. She is one of the people who has inspired me. The zoom link for the program can be found on the Spiritus website under the “latest” tab.

23 Comments

        Kathy Welch

        … “our forgiveness does not necessarily need to be connected to those things” and “start a lot smaller than that and build our capacities”

        These lines are changing my life right now, before I even leave this chair.

        Thank you for this nourishing kwelch3@rochester.rr.com, Mike.

    Anne schrader

    Thank you for this. So important for me to hear.
    When I asked my wise old father how did he forgive when someone hurt him he couldn’t remember any hurts!
    Your words are a treasure

      Mike Boucher Author

      Thanks, Anne. I would love to reach your dad’s spiritual level someday!

    Barbara Simmons

    Thank you, Mike, for the opportunity to revisit your commentary on mercy and forgiveness. After I responded to that post I asked myself what possessed me to but all that personal information out there. I wanted to delete it but I couldn’t. Because many of us envision that everyone else’s family must be the perfect ones and ours must be the flawed one, it can be hard to admit (and to realistically realize) that every family has something they are dealing with. It is a challenge to search our hearts and to pray to forgive someone when an issue is ongoing. I know this is the right way to go and I will continue to work on this. The Lenten reflections are an opportunity to take extra time to revisit whatever is on our mind and to pray about how to move forward.

      Mike Boucher Author

      once again, I say, Amen! And I would submit, Barb, that your vulnerability in posting helped make it possible for others to share more freely.

    Laura Allard

    Many, many years ago, we had a speaker at mass that told of her journey of forgiveness when a man kidnapped her young daughter from their tent and murdered her. Unfortunately, I don’t remember her name, but her message has inspired and guided me all these years. She said that every day she asked God to forgive this man for her until she was able to do it for herself. Eventually, she forgave him and even chose to meet with him. I think she actually developed a relationship with him, but my memory is not clear on that point. Nonetheless, her message changed my life forever as to how I approach forgiveness. I tell God of my intention and then try to get out of the way so He can work through me.

      Mike Boucher Author

      Laura, I remember that as well. Left such an impression on me also. She is one of the people I spoke of who urges me forward in my journey. And I love your line of, “I tell God my intention and then try to get out of the way…” I absolutely think that God takes our intentions seriously and helps us find a path…

    Sally Partner

    Laura, I remember that woman, too. It was a truly unforgettable homily and lesson.

    Something else I try to keep in mind-there are real consequences when we fail to forgive. My mother never forgave my father or his family after their divorce, living nearly 30 years after the marriage ended carrying a lot of bitterness. It limited her life in many ways and hurt (for her-and sometimes her children) many otherwise joyful times. In the meantime, my father, who was the object of this bitterness, was largely unharmed by it. I remind myself of this if I start to ruminate on someone who has “wronged” me. When we fail to forgive and move on, we primarily limit and hurt ourselves.

      Mike Boucher Author

      Sally, this is such an important reflection of what forgiveness can help us release or not. Thanks for sharing this.

    Kelly

    A beautiful understanding of the choices we do have and how blessed we always are …

    Sarah A Brownell

    (accidentally posted this on a previous day) Agreed that accountability and forgiveness are separate. Forgiveness of others is first a kindness to oneself. However, speaking as someone who has hurt others both accidentally as well as done some clearly wrong things and not been forgiven, it can also be a huge lifechanging kindness for those who desire and pine for forgiveness. I suffer a lot of pain that I expect to carry for all my life due to the fact that the people I hurt–who I cared about very much and valued highly what they thought–went to their deaths without forgiving me. There is no way to have closure at this point except to try to make amends in some other way and do better in the future. Thank you all for sharing your difficult journeys so we all know we are not alone.

    Judene

    I often use quotes that help remind me to forgive. Two I love in particular are from Mark Twain:
    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured,” and “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
    Something else that has helped me tremendously with my ability to forgive someone who has hurt me is something that I heard Rev. Mary talk about in a prayer and meditation class she was teaching. She asked us to find a picture that we liked of ourselves as a small child. She suggested that we look at it often and remember that, even though we’re now an adult, God loves us as though we were still that sweet little child. This resonated very deeply with me because I have two beautiful grandsons (5 & 2) who I adore with my whole heart. Because I believe that God loves me as unconditionally as I love those boys, I’ve found it helpful to imagine the person who hurt me as they might have been as a small child and try to forgive and love them the same way that God loves us.
    And lastly, another quote that I saw that was impactful for me was, “Are you mad at them, or are you mad at yourself for not setting the boundary.” It’s very hard to do, but really examining what part I might have played in a hurtful situation and how I could have done something differently to divert the situation was an eye-opening lesson I have learned from. Often times, I will need to forgive myself first before I’m able to move on to forgive the person who hurt me.

    Laura Allard

    I think forgiveness is the most important (and the most difficult) gift we can give others … and ourselves. Quotes are such wonderful reminders, and I found your two practical suggestions to be extremely helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Sharon H

    My experience with forgiveness is a part of the daily experience of walking the path of Jesus. My growth in soulful understanding of “forgiveness” is that it starts with an apology from the offender. The apology is that offender’s awareness of the infraction and the covenant that they will not continue to create harm. Forgiveness then becomes the victim’s journey to release the hurt from their own soul. Thank you for sharing Jesus’ journey of forgiveness with us, Mike.

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