Clean and Dirty Pain

Clean and Dirty Pain

March 3

Readings – JER 18:18-20; MT 20:17-28

A lot of us can probably relate to Jeremiah when he says, “Must good be repaid with evil?”  Like Jeremiah, we have all probably tried to do what is right or help somebody only to have people treat us poorly, reject us and even want to hurt us in return.  We become targeted somehow.  And it hurts.

Then in the gospel, Jesus is confronted (yet again) with people jockeying for power and status within his ranks.  They think it’s like every other system that they have been in and so they strive to “get ahead” and secure their own place in it.

Someone who has influenced me a lot in recent years is Resmaa Menakem.  He wrote a great book called My Grandmother’s Hands and in it he speaks about 2 kinds of pain: clean pain and dirty pain.  Resmaa says that, “Clean pain is the pain that mends and can build your capacity for growth…Dirty pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, and denial. When people respond from their most wounded parts, become cruel or violent, or physically or emotionally run away, they experience dirty pain. They also create more of it for themselves and others.”  You can probably easily think about some examples of both.

In the first reading, there’s a lot of dirty pain going around.  Instead of doing their own clean pain work, the group plots against Jeremiah as if he’s the problem.  It’s like they’re saying, ‘If only you wouldn’t talk about sin so much, there wouldn’t be so much of it.”  We’ve all heard this line before.

In the gospel we witness the disciples trying to replicate a system of power that produces dirty pain.  When we “lord” power over others, we generate dirty pain.  In those domination systems, our power position now becomes a vehicle in order to work things out by passing it through others.  We have seen this throughout history with disastrous consequences.

Resmaa says at times like this we need to breathe.  And breathe again. If we are ever going to break the cycles of dirty pain that trap humanity, we need to face our own clean pain – personally and collectively.

We need to face what has happened to us.

We need to face what we have done.

We need to tell the truth.

We need to feel our feelings.

We need to get back into our bodies.

We need to calm our nervous systems so that we do not blow our pain through others and perpetuate the cycle.

We need to develop alternative ways of being with each other that do not replicate the systems of power that harm.

This is not an easy journey.

Jesus can be our guide, however.  He can teach us how to turn dirty pain into clean power.  And we can do that for one another in community.

Lent gives us this chance to breathe.  Reset.   Reflect.  Feel.  Release.  Repeat.

13 Comments

      Mike Boucher Author

      thanks, Anne. If you’re willing to share, I’d be curious what connected for you.

    Barb Simmons

    Thank you again for providing us with food for thought which allows us to examine our hearts and minds. I am not familiar with the terms clean pain and dirty pain. It seems to me that clean pain is an inherent response to a hurtful experience. It’s normal and an almost primitive response. But if that suffering becomes something we dwell on in an unhealthy way, it can become destructive. Is this where we plan revenge for a wrong doing or blame someone or something else for our pain? Not sure if I am on the right track, but I like the suggestion that we need to calm our nervous system so that we do not blow our pain through others and perpetuate the cycle.

      Mike Boucher Author

      as usual, barb, you are on the right track. I’ve also found that one doesn’t need to know a lot of jargon to understand the difference between clean and dirty pain. Resmaa names something which I think many of us know or feel at a gut level – that some pain builds us and our capacities and some tears us down and wears away at us.

    Monica Haag Anderson

    So enlightening. Other messages are as well, but this one resonates. Tx for all of the effort you put into keeping wisdom shared.

    Francene C McCarthy

    Thank you, Mike. I think clean pain is legitimate pain, pain felt in loss etc. I think when we hold on to that pain without giving it to God it festers and the pain becomes negative where it hurts not only us but others as well. Thank you so much for challenging us to think and pray about what we are holding and what we are letting go. Blessings, Fran

      Mike Boucher Author

      thanks, Francene, for this and the continued contributions you’re making to the blog collective writings!

    Sue Spoonhower

    I am really grateful for your writings on daily Scripture. Yes, read, reflect, breathe each day! However, I do return to February 23rd’s “Not so free speech” every day. I mentioned before that I struggle with what I can do for others, how can I help others during Lent when I have limited physical mobility. Your article reminded me clearly of what I can do. Words matter; they can bring love, encouragement, sympathy. Prayers matter. Jesus gave us words to pray with and again, Mary Oliver offers us guidance. “Patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate, it’s not a contest.”
    Daily reflection on Scripture. Praying for other’s needs. Making time to send thoughtful letters. I have some worthy Lenten practices. Thank you, Mike.

      Mike Boucher Author

      Sue I appreciate hearing of your deep faith and commitment. Your commitment to reflect daily, pray for others and send thoughtful letters is a powerful witness for me. I am reminded of the quote attributed to John Wesley: Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.

    Kathy

    Hi Mike, this hit home with me today as I planned on doing something nice for someone close to me but it didn’t turn out the way I PLANNED it! Notice the I ? We can’t always plan the outcome. We can do what we think is good and kind but it doesn’t mean that it will be taken that way. I was disappointed and actually upset as there were lies involved. I spoke my piece, which is VERY hard for me to do and ended it with. “I love you, I was just disappointed. “. I would always just keep quiet but I thought it was important to let them know. Thanks Mike 🙏

      Mike Boucher Author

      thanks for sharing this, Kathy. I know that it is hard for me – and many – to “speak our piece” and to do it with love. I appreciate that you told the person that you love them AND are disappointed (versus saying BUT). And your story of how things are received being very different from the intention is one I keep learning over and over.

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