Would You Rather Be Right Or In Relationship?

In today’s gospel (Luke 6) we meet Jesus relatively early in his ministry. He’s in the synagogue for the weekly Shabbat gathering and there is a man with a withered hand. The religious authorities – who are already suspicious of Jesus as a rebellious upstart – are watching him to see if he’ll try to cure this man and thus violate the sabbath rules.

Jesus is aware that they are watching and asks, “Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath rather than to do evil, to save life rather than to destroy it?” Of course Jesus comes down on the side of saving life (I mean, who wouldn’t when it’s put this way!) and publicly heals the man’s hand.  Needless to say, this does not go over well with the powers that be…

First off, let me just say that I appreciate people who cut right to the heart of the matter with a reframing of a situation. I know that on so many occasions, I may be on the fence about a situation or trying to make a decision, and someone just comes along and offers a pithy analysis that just makes something so clear.  Jesus has a knack for doing this.

Secondly, a story like this can make the “religious authorities” appear like they’re horrible people. But they are not. These are good people who are upholding a status quo that works in favor of some and against others. These are good people who are just “respecting tradition”. These are good people “following protocols.” I know that I can relate to them when I think of them in this way. Maybe you can too.

But they, like so many of us, get stuck – stuck in rules, stuck in a status quo, stuck in their feelings – and they miss something essential that is right in front of them. The religious authorities could have just as easily said, “You’re right, Jesus. That is the right thing to do!” But instead they doubled-down on their position and sought their own justification.

My father-in-law, Frank, who has been a business coach and consultant, often used to use the phrase, “Would you rather be right or in relationship?”

It took me years to understand what that meant, but I think I am finally getting it.

In some ways, Jesus’ question today has echoes of this sentiment.

Technically, the religious authorities are correct. What Jesus is doing violates what is prescribed for the sabbath. Yet their being “right” clouds their vision of being in relationship. Furthermore, they are missing the fundamental essence of what the sabbath was supposed to be about in the first place. The sabbath was intended to be a break from normal routines and a time for reflection – reflection on how much our lives were in alignment with God’s ways. Are we good with God? Are we good with other people? Are we good with ourselves?

In fact, sabbath was supposed to be all about relationship!

I’m currently reading a book by author and therapist Terry Real called Us: Getting Past you and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.  Real says that thinking relationally (versus thinking “me and you” or “I’m right and you’re wrong”) can be such a powerful shift for people in their relationships because it takes us out of system of requirements and into another realm where the rules are not so clear-cut. Relational thinking is not as concerned with what is “right” or “correct” or even “deserved” so much as “what is needed in this situation?”

In the case of the man with the withered hand, what was needed was healing and restoration. I can imagine the man with the withered hand saying, “I don’t care WHAT day of the week it is, I want my hand back!” The religious authorities had lost their way with respect to what the sabbath was supposed to be about and were more concerned with the law versus what was needed here and now.

Don’t get me wrong, rules, order, protocol and tradition all have their place. Yet fidelity to what a relationship requires from us does not fit easily into a tradition of law and order. Furthermore, our relationships won’t get very far if we only do what is required, justified or deserved.

I’d invite you to take a minute just to reflect on what this might stir in you as you read it today.

Perhaps there’s situation that you are in that might have clouded your vision with respect to the deeper, relational “requirements” that might go beyond the immediate situation (or your feelings in the moment). Maybe there are people or institutions who need to be reminded of their relational commitments to vulnerable members of our community. Maybe you are in need of some form of healing and you, too, hope that someone witnesses what you need.

Just sit at the foot of our teacher, Jesus, who might help us to reframe a situation that we are in so that we might move more consciously and purposefully towards healing and restoring all of our relations.